This is no secret (thanks to FB) ...it's my 60th birthday.
Ok. Physically I am 60, my soul tells my heart and mind feel like I'm around 35 (on good days). Bad days I feel like 101. Thankfully, most of my days are good. That is a blessing.
This birthday is known as a "special" one. Like the special ones for your 20, 30, 40, 50 (really big) and now 60. It is expected that it is to be celebrated and given even extra attention. I have a problem with that this time. I am "partied out". For all these years I have arranged everyone's birthday in this family, including my own. That is 4 birthdays each year, for more than 30 years. And that is not even including anniversaries...
Let me try to explain. Where I grew up, it was the tradition that if it was your birthday, a party would be ARRANGED for you. You were actually treated like a princess and didn't have to prepare, organize, invite, set up, bake, shop, or clean up the house for your birthday. Your day was a joy....because you were fussed over, cared for, and pampered all day. From sunup to sundown. Princess /queen 24 hours. That was already a gift in itself.
My frustration is this: I live now in a different country where the birthday tradition is 180 degrees the opposite. And I have to finally admit after 30 plus years of living here....I don't like it.
This year it really hit me hard, as my birthday rolled around this morning. I cried tears of sadness and loneliness. Tears of feeling that my birthday is a chore, and an obligation. The tradition here is that I, as the birthday girl am expected to work myself into a frenzy with preparations, invitations, and tables full of salivations for others. Basically, I wouldn't even have time to enjoy a piece of my own birthday cake. I have tried to be the good hostess all these years at my own birthday. But today, I am admitting that I am to the point where I am resenting it. I don't feel like it is MY birthday....but it is everyone else's birthday!
Adding to my emotions today is the recent loss of a very dear auntie who was like a mother to me. She was my mom's sister and they were so alike that being with her was like having mom back for a few hours. Makes today extra emotional now missing mom, and auntie. Their phonecalls on my birthday and the shared memories of birthdays past. This year it hurts more than ever.
How do I secretly wish to celebrate my birthday? I have had a dream of having a "High Tea" with all the women friends who are special to me. But so many of them live in other countries that it is impossible to arrange that. But how lovely would it be to spend happy hours in a beautiful setting with delicious foods, being served, and being able to all enjoy being together as friends? I even have a china set of the most colourful and delicate teacups and pastry plates that I would love to use. For fun, I would like to ask everyone to show up in proper "tea" dresses and hats.
But today's birthday will be a quiet one. I can't deal with the fuss and bother of a celebration party. The sons will come home, and we will have a family dinner (prepared by "moi") and chocolate lava cake as dessert. No baking, but a store-bought cake. After making cakes for everyone else...I would love it if someone made a cake for me. I guess my heart is crying out for some attention that someone would even think about things like that. It speaks volumes about caring and showing love for each other by thinking about things like that. Being aware of what others do for you.
Birthdays midweek are NO FUN! Everyone has to work the next day so even going out for dinner is a struggle for the family. Celebrating in the weekend is back to the same issue where my frustration comes from.
I agree that I have created this situation myself. If I had realized the consequences of my acceptance of this country's birthday traditions when I first arrived, I would have tried to do differently. But in my wanting to fit in...I blindly went along with their norm and did the same as they do. Now I am sitting here years later realizing that I lost a bit of myself, and my birthday traditions and am upset about it.
I think I will make myself a cup of tea, cut a slice of birthday cake and try to make peace with myself today.
Put my crown on, and my apron and try to make the best of it.
But deep in my heart, I keep my birthday wish alive and keep dreaming that maybe one day I can be Birthday Princess celebrating with a circle of my dearest friends and family enjoying their company at a fancy High Tea Party.
My 50 birthday I enjoyed celebrating. I felt GOOD and wanted to have a party.
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