The last few days have given me moments that have varied from good, to difficult, to unexpected fun. I haven't been "down" the entire time, but still have the feeling of the dark, angry cloud above my being, and that the storm that is brewing in my subconsciousness is threatening to burst.
The writing exercises that I have been given as homework; I do with mixed emotions. Some questions I see the value in asking them. Other questions; make me angry; irritate me; and even one really ticked me off. Honestly, because it struck a chore in me, that I do not like having "touched". It brought home to me, a lot of painful memories; and regrets. What bothers me, is the going back and re hashing things that have happened, and that cannot be undone, or unsaid.
The question was written in such a way, that it was to come across as positive.
" What are the decisions that you made, that you do NOT regret" ....
fill in the blanks.
But in my mind, in order to uncover the "positive" answer, I am confronted with the negative memories, and the decisions I made, that I know now, I would have done differently, or maybe even not at all. I did then, what I thought was best, with what I knew then. Looking back just makes me anxious, and second guessing what I do, and what I did then. I want to look forward, and not look back.
This is why my cloud of "gloom" is also hanging around me. I am caught in the funnel of thoughts, feelings and fear that are whirling in my mind. Thinking that I regret things in the past, or am uncertain of what was done....only increases my inner storm.
Will discuss this further with therapist in a few days.
In the meantime....
I am clutching on the few good things that happened this past weekend.
One very healing moment, is when my sons were finally "really talking" together; as of old. They had been out of touch with each other for the last year; and during the family BBQ they reconnected. That made my heart sing. Their laughter, banter, and really listening to each other made my mother heart beat a happy rhythm.
The writing exercises that I have been given as homework; I do with mixed emotions. Some questions I see the value in asking them. Other questions; make me angry; irritate me; and even one really ticked me off. Honestly, because it struck a chore in me, that I do not like having "touched". It brought home to me, a lot of painful memories; and regrets. What bothers me, is the going back and re hashing things that have happened, and that cannot be undone, or unsaid.
The question was written in such a way, that it was to come across as positive.
" What are the decisions that you made, that you do NOT regret" ....
fill in the blanks.
But in my mind, in order to uncover the "positive" answer, I am confronted with the negative memories, and the decisions I made, that I know now, I would have done differently, or maybe even not at all. I did then, what I thought was best, with what I knew then. Looking back just makes me anxious, and second guessing what I do, and what I did then. I want to look forward, and not look back.
This is why my cloud of "gloom" is also hanging around me. I am caught in the funnel of thoughts, feelings and fear that are whirling in my mind. Thinking that I regret things in the past, or am uncertain of what was done....only increases my inner storm.
Will discuss this further with therapist in a few days.
In the meantime....
I am clutching on the few good things that happened this past weekend.
One very healing moment, is when my sons were finally "really talking" together; as of old. They had been out of touch with each other for the last year; and during the family BBQ they reconnected. That made my heart sing. Their laughter, banter, and really listening to each other made my mother heart beat a happy rhythm.
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